Swinger Misconceptions: This article first appeared on the DatingNews.com website, check out the original article
The Scoop: The Wanderlust Swingers podcast — formerly known as Swinging Downunder — takes listeners into the oft-misunderstood world of swinging and non-monogamy. According to Cate, one of the podcast’s founders, swinging is less about sordid sex and shameful secrets and more about open-minded community and fun, consensual relationships. When done properly, swinging has the potential to widen your worldview and deepen your connections.
Swingers are people in committed relationships who have sex with other individuals outside their primary relationship. Their relationships and lifestyle have long been a source of fascination… and judgment. How can a couple be happily married and have sex with other people?
Relationships are all about trust and understanding, and you’d need boatloads of trust and understanding to make the swingers lifestyle work, right?
An Australian swinger known as Cate founded the Wanderlust Swingers Podcast so she could answer these questions and more. She saw a need for non-monogamous representation in Australia. “We had maybe one [swingers] club in each major city,” she told us in an interview. “On a good night, you might see 80 to 100 people.” This is why Cate decided to reach out to the community directly.
In addition to being Down Under, the Wanderlust Swingers have gone international. “We have swung in over 30 countries around the world,” Cate said.
In the 10 years since Wanderlust Swingers started, much has changed in the world of non-monogamy. Cate explained, “Content creation, podcasts, bloggers, and people using social media to talk about the lifestyle has grown exponentially.”
“Huge publications are talking about non-monogamy now,” Cate added. “Of course, with every step forward, sometimes you might have to take a step or two back.”
As normalized as ethical non-monogamy has become, swinging itself still faces a few glaring misconceptions.
“Swingers Are Obsessed with Sex”
The stereotype of swinging is a horny couple who think and talk about sex 24/7. This is a complete myth, Cate told us.
Some people connect swinging to taboo sex acts, and Cate was quick to clarify that as being a myth. “You have articles that present themselves as clickbait articles. ‘I’m trying to keep my man happy, so I let him sleep with my mom.’ Those articles are obviously quite detrimental to the swinger’s lifestyle,” Cate said.
It’s true that swingers and non-monogamous daters alike are often labeled as hypersexual. “People think the lifestyle is all about sex, which in itself is a misconception,” Cate said.
Sex is an important part of the swinger’s lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean people are willing to do the deed willy-nilly.
Cate told us that one of the most prevalent myths is that swingers are “riddled with STIs” from an urgent need for sex. When it comes to their health, a responsible swinger takes all the necessary precautions.
“These are consenting adults who are regularly tested,” Cate continued. Due to the nature of swinging, a responsible swinger takes every potential partner’s health into account. “They have their health, their immediate partner’s health, and their potential play partner’s health at the forefront.”
Cate brought up an important double standard: How often does the average monogamous Tinder date use protection and talk about consent, let alone test for STIs? “There’s a hell of a lot of people out there going untested that are just in the general public,” she pointed out.
“Because we’ve made the decision to be consensually non-monogamous, people just assume that we’re flying by the seat of our pants. And that’s just not the case at all.”
Swinging is about so much more than the sordid sex-swapping stereotypes. People might be drawn to the swinging lifestyle because of the non-monogamous approach to sex, but they almost always stay because of the community they discover.
“They’re finding new friends, they’re finding a voice, they’re networking more, they’re flirting more, they’re meeting new people,” Cate told us.
“All Swingers Are Incapable of Commitment”
No, not all swingers are bored, unhappy couples or people who simply can’t commit to a monogamous relationship. Cate emphasized just how misguided this assumption is. “There’s this perception that (swingers) are just a bunch of undesirable people that are in the lifestyle because their partner doesn’t want them anymore. That’s just not the case.”
In reality, a non-monogamous lifestyle requires emotional vulnerability, honest communication, and mutual respect — three qualities any relationship should have, regardless of how many people are involved.
Cate shared that her definition of love and sex has changed since she first joined the swinging community. “Once those masks are off, you really start to look at life, the world, relationships, and sex without the predetermined notions that you had because of your upbringing,” she told us.
“Twelve years ago, I definitely had some attachment styles that were not working for me,” she said. “I was comparing myself to others.”
Cate said her time in the swinging community allowed her to improve her bad habits. “You feel more secure when you’re in the lifestyle and you’re talking to your partner.”
Vulnerability fosters closeness, and closeness is usually followed by contentment. “Having these deeper conversations, being a little more vulnerable with your partner, is a powerful thing, right?” Cate said.
This doesn’t mean that a non-traditional lifestyle is easy. “Be willing to experience some pain,” Cate advised newcomers to the world of swinging. “It is not for everybody… growth can be painful.”
If you want to participate in swinging, make sure that your motivations are understood and consented to by your partner(s). As Cate told us, the inner growth that accompanies ethical non-monogamy can be uncomfortable for everyone in your relationship.
“Potentially, there’s going to be some hiccups along the way,” Cate admitted. You and your partner(s) will have the most success in the lifestyle when you’re all on the same page. “That’s really the best way that you can move forward together,” she said.
“Non-Monogamy Is Shameful”
Taking conversations about non-monogamy to social media has made the topic more accessible to people who otherwise wouldn’t have access to reliable information. The more people who open up about their nontraditional lifestyles, the less weird or intimidating it seems to newcomers.
“Social media is playing a huge part in talking about non-monogamy in all its beautiful shapes and sizes. That’s been huge for people joining the lifestyle,” Cate said.
One word you’ll never hear on the Wanderlust Swingers podcast? Shameful.
Whether you’re drawn to the swinging community by sex, romance, or the promise of connections, you should read up on everything the community has to offer. Resources have never been more readily available, Cate told us. “The online space really does play a huge part in meeting people,” she said. “There’s so much more information now, from books, podcasts, and forums to Facebook groups.”
As Cate told us, non-monogamy appeals to more people than you may expect. Some just never had the words or information they needed to express it. “People are finding alternative relationships to be something that they might be interested in,” she said.
And the more people who participate in nontraditional lifestyles, the more common it becomes. Cate has noticed that more swinging events are popping up and more clubs are opening up to serve swingers.
What you discover in the privacy of your bedroom could inform non-sexual parts of your life. For example, when you find your voice with your partner(s), you could find your voice at work as well, according to Cate. “People are finally asking for a promotion at work because they’ve got the confidence to stand up in a room and request it,” she said.
People join the swinging community at all different ages and in different phases of life, but they can almost always find people with whom they share similarities. “People meet other people who are going through the same life changes,” Cate said.
When overcoming self-imposed shame, solidarity in an understanding group means everything.
Classic swinger activities, like cruises, resorts, clubs, and meet-and-greets, are great ways to meet new people with similarly open minds. Cate recommends that everyone, regardless of lifestyle, looks online to find their tribe — “whether that’s someone who wants to go hiking in El Salvador, ride motorbikes on the weekend, or join a support group for the LGBT community,” she said.
And if you and your partner are interested in joining the swinger community, there’s no reason why you can’t follow in Cate’s footsteps and start your own group. Whether it’s a podcast, a club, or an online forum, consider welcoming people who are in different phases of their non-monogamy journeys.
“You just have to be graceful to each other and yourself,” Cate said.
